mesmerizing

i always have a thing for younger boys. not in a perverted ways. being the youngest i always assume those naive cute juniors a somehow attractive. and i often think of myself as a cool big sister, mentally not physically of course.
then realising i'm on my final year here strike me hard. i dont want to leave this place. i like it here. everything i love is here. i can go to the pool, i can go for a walk, jog, the food is cheap, my friends are here, the public transport is okay.

then i remember all those overly attached senior that i used to tease. maybe they have this overly attachd syndrome while being the final year student here. then they choose to stay. i dont wanna stay here forever thats for sure. but i'm not sure if i'll be able to make new friends outside. i like it here. i like it here so much that it hurts everytime the thought of me leaving this place cross my mind.

they have this community that are accepting. and being one of them is easy for me as i'm just being myself. this loud voice, this drama attitude, this sloppy attire. im used to it, they used to it.

what if my new place wont be this accepting
what if my new friends think im to loud
what i my new colleuge doesnt like the way i dress
what if i'm actually stupid and cant survive real world
what if what not
i guess i just need to suck it up and grow some balls

and need to stop thinking that everything is a fairy tale journey.

there are monsters
cold mean monsters

but there are also angels
white fluffy good angels

but which one do i'll cross first?
we'll never know

--oh trust me, i did not intend to write this at this hour. i was being emo just now. and i need to write mean words