dah biasa

sebab dah biasa
aku dah tak rasa apa

sebab dah biasa
kita macam dah tak ada apa apa

sebab dah biasa
ego masing masing dah bermacam rupa

sebab dah biasa
masing masing bawak diri sampai dah tak jumpa

masih berharap
akan baik macam dulu kala

masih berharap
bukan sampai sini sahaja

masih berharap
percikan api dalam sejuk aku berduka

masih berharap
pengakhiran yang dipersetujui bersama

masih berharap
kau yang dulu ada macam biasa

tapi tak boleh tipu
kalau bila tak jumpa, dah kisah macam mana rupa

tapi tak boleh tipu
ruang dan waktu, kosong tak bertemu dah tak rasa jemu

tapi tak boleh tipu
usaha kau dah tak macam dulu, aku punya hati pun dah keras macam batu

tapi tak boleh tipu
kita sama salah, tapi masing masing tak mengaku

sampai bila
masing masing nak simpan rasa

sampai bila
nak text tapi cuma cari punca

sampai bila
masing masing tak nak mengaku dah tak jumpa hujung cahaya

sampai bila
diam seribu bahasa, mengharap faham diri sendiri sahaja

aku dah cakap apa aku rasa
sekarang giliran kau
harap kau baca



--sudah tak mengharap, jauh sekali kisah. sebab aku ada bila kau rasa kau perlu sesiapa. bukan aku sahaja.

mesmerizing

i always have a thing for younger boys. not in a perverted ways. being the youngest i always assume those naive cute juniors a somehow attractive. and i often think of myself as a cool big sister, mentally not physically of course.
then realising i'm on my final year here strike me hard. i dont want to leave this place. i like it here. everything i love is here. i can go to the pool, i can go for a walk, jog, the food is cheap, my friends are here, the public transport is okay.

then i remember all those overly attached senior that i used to tease. maybe they have this overly attachd syndrome while being the final year student here. then they choose to stay. i dont wanna stay here forever thats for sure. but i'm not sure if i'll be able to make new friends outside. i like it here. i like it here so much that it hurts everytime the thought of me leaving this place cross my mind.

they have this community that are accepting. and being one of them is easy for me as i'm just being myself. this loud voice, this drama attitude, this sloppy attire. im used to it, they used to it.

what if my new place wont be this accepting
what if my new friends think im to loud
what i my new colleuge doesnt like the way i dress
what if i'm actually stupid and cant survive real world
what if what not
i guess i just need to suck it up and grow some balls

and need to stop thinking that everything is a fairy tale journey.

there are monsters
cold mean monsters

but there are also angels
white fluffy good angels

but which one do i'll cross first?
we'll never know

--oh trust me, i did not intend to write this at this hour. i was being emo just now. and i need to write mean words

text and the underlying meaning

straight to the point. common conversation or texting for this swag university student

A: makan jom? 8.00pm
(i'm hungry for chicken. i cant eat maggi again. not second time for today)

A:lapar. (10pm onwards)
(i'm hungry and bored. more to bored i guess. but my brain doesnt know how to distiguish that. but dont worry, she can remember many parasite names)

A:bored. (11pm onwards)
(i have works assignment and fyp of course. but i wont do that. not today, tomorrow..... or any other day unless my supervisor release the kraken)

A:jom lepak. (10pm onwards)
(lets sit down watch people, being judgemental and eyed those cute juniors)

A: I'm sick (8.00 am onwards)
(not gonna go to class. unless prof zai's)

Izni: I'm having diarhea.
(absolutely that. cant be more straightforward)

negativity

ola adios amigos aku berambus.

alaa dont la act all cool like you never heard that before in your childhood. bleghh. BORINGGG

by the way, i just realised that i'm a negative person. not a pessimist type. just negative.
i always blabber about how i hate this, despise that,
(sudden humming sound in my ears right now. i'm getting deaf)
cont. and dont let me start about the complaining! i complaint alot!!! i started to think that my bf left me because i like to complaint. i always believe in hate at the first sight. not so romantic. i know.

but, neither of you know that i like to think alot too!! a whole lot of thinking unnecessary things until i dont even start with my final year project. see, how much i love all of the people around me. pay respect(or meal) will do. (bow now slaves!!)

case 1

My bf lost his mother because of cancer relapsed. and being on the edge for ages (2 months). so ive been on an eggshells since forever. (believe me i fell like forever for not being able to joke around him, to always be cautious of whatever I'm saying). and to make it better (worse perhaps) he is the oldest, so he does all the chores. and have to spend his time with his siblings. being a clingy gf as always, i cant stand the dont call now, cant text, need to do laundry, etc etc. so i burst out. seriously it was the worst, and i was doing my internship at that time, and it doesnt help much. when he wants to talk, I'm somewhere in the middle of nowhere doing electrical inspection. when I'm home, I'm too tired to even plug in my phone.

the end, thats how we become ex's.

okay,  not funny. and not real.

after I've started my semester, and talked to my friends they said that I'm ignorant bitch who doesnt deserve a good man like him. (i need new friend).

so i start thinking, a whole fu lot of it. and its strike me. what will i do if anything happened to mama. or my family. will i be buzy texting with my girlfriend pouring my heart out about how sad i am because of my loss? will i be calling my girlfriend hereafter to know about her day, about her exciting same routine inspection everyday? taking her lunch when i should be picking up my brother and sister from school? while i should worry about how can i manage to put food on the table with my one hand(he had an accident, almost cost him his fingers). and alottt more of thinking until i fall asleep. then i realise, sometime by not being there is the best thing that i can ever do to him. so i let loose. so i set him free. set his priority right. his family. not me, i still have both of my parents.

so i let that pass, slowly those negativity fades, no longer angry texts about how he should treat me, no more sarcasm comments about how he should his phone for ignoring my call.

I have never been happier
have a good life sweetheart. you earn it more than anyone else :)

---olive green converse, 6 years and more to come

funneyh

at lab today

A: *scrolling Eina Azman instagram watching her honeymoon video in Maldives
Me: jom makan
A: mana?
Me:Maldives
A: durhhhh
Me: Jomlah dengan Dato Gimik. *laughing so hard. ROFL.
--i'm literally rolling on the floor laughing
A: so funneyhhh! *straight face


-----I always thought im the funniest among us. and i guess couldn't executed it any better

relive the moment

my mom just being hip this afternoon. sending old photos of her children and nieces. i was admiring cute mini me just now until something strike me. (during my asr prayer, im not focus then i guess.) whateves.

what if i can relive those moments. those cute time while i was with my mushroom head, and everyone was telling how cute i am. just play all day long, sneak raw milo in a mug and share with my sister. can i just have those moments back?

i'm not saying that i hate this part (current) life with big decision and all. i know it'll come sooner or later. but i dont want to absorb that right now. i got to let loose, not worry a thing, and everything.

-i was suppose to get ready for a jog right now. but this is far more important.

my seniors are now working, or become a postgrad student.
my sister is working, giving me my first pocket money. yeayy. finally she has more money than i does. hahahha
my brother finally sort out his life
i dont get to have every meal with alex, okay its been 2 years. but you know what i mean.
my sekolah agama friends are married and engaged last week

changes.changes.changes.

not a big fan of that.

but i guess thats what happen in life. people changes, i've changes. do they have manual for this? i mean like a life guide for ages.

examples: life guides of 20-25 of ages



--i think they do have it, they're called experiences.

just write something

after typing the title i remember what i wanted to wrote since yesterday. not about abah and the cempedak case. that story deserve it own post.

along is getting married!! oh my. first marriage in the family. she's just like a sister to me. we basically grow up together. Mak brought us up together with my other siblings.

thus, with this technologies and all this high tech apps we have our own whatsapp group for the wedding things, (including my brother) and another group for holiday (only 3 of us exclude her own sister) no judging. we are all hyped about this marriage, with the dress, foods, and other preparations. each of us already have our own portfolio for the wedding. i'll be handling the candy booth together with her sister, my sister will do something with all the DSLR that we have, my brother will make himself useful with other things that i dont really care.

the ceremony will be held this december on both sides. however, the sambut menantu ceremony in sabah will be held a week after. yup. during my final week. what? of course i wll be attending both of the ceremony. its along okay, not someone unimportant. its not even a question whether i'll attend the wedding. durhhh.

no, my final exam time table still not out.
no, i dont have any idea when is my paper.

yes, they already booked the ticket.
yes, i need to aniaya someone so their doa will ber heard with no hijab (as doa orang ternaiaya selalu dimakbulkan. to pray that my final exam will be 31 dec onwards)

so happy with rm420 ticket have been paid with no surety that i'll be able to board the plane

hai

27/8/2014 12.56pm

So its been awhile since I wrote anything. Literally anything at all. This whole internship phase got me thinking. About my work, my self satisfaction, my wealth, what I really want in life. And browsing proudduck and any other career-job-well-done women blog and instagram doesn’t make any of them better. Being and over-thinker and over achiever always has its down side. ALWAYS I tell you.

 Internship never been better. Same old same old like 3 years ago. But sure this time I do get my self satisfaction meter a bit full. Being the only intern in this unit. Make me the spotlight of this team and also makes me their dumpster for all the reports and hanky panky doer. But whatever, doing unnecessary thing (which I thought at first) is actually a very good thing. And save my ass countless time during evaluation from my faculty supervisor. I couldn’t say how much I thanked my current supervisor for piling me with all those reports, graph, trends and every boring things you can do on excel. In other hand, I do sharpen my microsoft office skill. A LOT. I can draft 16 graph in less than 2 hours now.

Okay, im blabbering right now. I was suppose to write about something more interesting than internship. But I cant quite express it through my writing. Or because I just don’t have enough vocabs to support my story. Thus, this boring post happen.  I wanted to post this on blogspot, but my blog keep on updating itself with Viagra post and other sex related matter. Stupid blog. Horny I guess.

So, my colleuges has been out for breakfast since 8.30am. and still not in until now(12.43pm). but whatever, I don’t really care. Hahaha. Ignorant intern.

Its gonna be my final year this September. Being a bachelor student. Ahh, how time passed. I will miss being a student. When going to class is actually an options for me, meeting friends, eating,  swimming, and all those extra activities that I love to engaged myself in. I am not a girly-girl. Thus, this uneven skin tone, this not so lean body, this unmanicured nails, this awful wardrobe and many more. Although I thought it’s a good thing that im cool liddis, but deep inside I know that I need to change. I HAVE to change. Even if my nature of works doesn’t allowed me too, or doesn’t encouraged (I cant imagined rocking a stiletto on site) I believe I need to look good for myself. I have enough of (biasalah izni, so sloppy. Nak tau Izni yg mana, msti dia pakai baju besar with selekeh tudung) I have reputation liddat. But I just don’t know where to start or how to begin.  Just like when I wanted to start eat clean, when I started to work out, I know I need to do all of that but I just don’t know how. Yes, google stuff. Everything is just a click away. But u don’t just change everything by reading. Ass. I know that, because I read. A WHOLE LOT of reading. I know exactly everything. BUT, I cant figure how or when to start. I need courage, I need partner, I need companion. Just one or two. I do have friends now, but sometimes you don’t share all your insecurities with them. Its not them, its me. Because im not cool enough to show them my weakness. To show them how I’ll breakdown and cry. Because I’ve always been the muscle, the strength. But now I want to be the princess, the cotton, the pink.