post traumatic disorder

Label

Dulu aku seorang pelabel

Kau ni perokok

Kau ni slut

Kau ni kaki kencing

Kau ni jenis tak ada life

Kau ni jenis hadap jantan

Kau ni jenis seeking for social approval

Kau ni macam ini, kau ini macam itu

Perasan aku sebut ‘DULU’

Sebab apa yang kau DULU, aku SEKARANG

Sekarang

Aku yang tak ada hala tuju

Aku yang cuma ada waktu

Aku yang apa aku keji dulu

Sekarang, apa kau dulu, aku yang macam tu

Label

Sorry. I will never self claimed myself as what I do. To be known working as safety officer is an insult to me. As I don’t think that I carry the job whole heartedly, neither I think I execute the job as what I intended to. To be known as a hiker, diver or even no longer a students bugs me a lot. I have a thing with moving on. I don’t know how. Or I don’t want to move on. I hate being in a place where I can t see my track. Where I am going.

Semalam aku mimpi, aku tak sure aku kerja apa, tapi aku cakap dekat mat, aku ada sekian-sekian duit, jom redah Lombok. Kita tengok dapat buat apa. Kau in? aku tak kenal mat tu siapa, neither do I know anything about Lombok except for Rinjani and Gili Trawangan. But I got that dream. Ini ke orang cakap, panggilan pulau. And I must go.

Aku mimpi lagi, tak pasti berangan atau apa. Aku jaga binatang, dekat Lost World of Tambun. Ada budak takut dekat kambing. Munkin budak cina around 5-7 years old. Takut kambing. Aku dukung dia, senyum manis, aku cakap,

Don’t worry, he wont hurt you, kakak ada. Lets hold him together.

Budak tu angguk, mak budak tu tangkap gambar kami bertiga. Itu ke orang cakap, petunjuk Allah? To leave my miserable job, but good pay and car and just balik kampong, tanam jangung korek ponggong?

Banyak aku nak cerita pasal CBL. Banyak tak terluah. Tapi macam biasa, aku tak akan tulis apa. Biar jelah aku yang rasa. Hahahah. Orang cakap,, balik travel jadi story teller. Aku balik travel jadi dreamer.

Dream of reliving that moments, over and over again and again.

Masih di dalam hammock, di bawah fly, di atas ground, secangkir kopi, sekotak John, entah berapa batang tembakau

Kau ni fun aku tengok, kenapa kau takada boyfriend? 10 mata pandang aku. Aku senyum. Mestilah muka Faiz menari depan mata, keluar pulak abg gunung, dan terakhir lelaki diver.

Sebab aku selalu fall for the wrong guy, he’s either gay, or someone’s else. getting out of 8 years relationship, is not easy. Then, they hear my story. Just the tip of iceberg. Cuma bila dia cakap,

Tak payah tunggu orang.

Yup, aku Cuma cerita itu. Berkongsi rahsia dengan kenalan baru, yang susah sama-sama. Sekadar return favour. Untuk dia pun cerita, getting out of 6 years relationship turn him into scandal maniacs and no steady relationship.

Cerita kita berbeza sikit, sebab kau dah move on, aku? Hahahahahaha

Macam macam kami cerita. Lelaki idaman, topic seterusnya. Kau nak cari lelaki macam mana?

Aku nak cari dua saja, 1) yang sama cinta dan rasa, 2) yang menerima aku seadanya

Acceptance tu macam jenis izni, kau kene specific. – sure thing, jangan expect aku tahu masak, jaga anak, kemas rumah, kalau kau angkat pinggan masuk singki pun malas. You need a maid, bukan wife

Kau kene buat benda tu sama-sama. Communications between couples. Boleh masak gilir-gilir.

Aku senyum sinis dulu, sebelum sambung, I’ve watched my parents in their worst and their best, it takes two to tango. And house chores supposed to be done together. Sebab aku tak expect laki aku pandai baiki bumbung, plumbing and others.

Semua kerja tu boleh panggil orang! Persetan. Tapi kalau masak nak air tangan isteri.- guys, sini korang salah. We don’t expect air tangan peluh suami for the house repairs, do the same don’t expect isteri do all the works. But yeah, I know how to cook. Dia jadi ‘unknown’ when guys put expectations for me to ‘wajib’ know how to cook to get married.

Pasal past present future.

Kau nak apa dalam hidup izni?- senang. Aku nk live a very simple life. Somewhere on an island. Bukak small café maybe? Entah. I don’t want big house, big car. Those things don’t excites me.

Kau kene kerja. To lead your simple life. Don’t quit. – yeah I know, I’ve been struggling with that.

Kau nak dua tu je izni pada calon suami?- yup. Tapi crucial criteria, aku nk seorang yg firm, yang aku boleh dengar cakap dia. Sebab aku degil. So someone yg garang yg can bend me.

Izni pergi tidur dah lewat. –eh , but why. Korang nk tidur dah? Tak pelah. Ingat nak sembang lagi. Hurmmmm

Saja test ko takut tak aku garang.